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Archive for April, 2012

If mom can’t save the day, than who can??? 

Me…the mom…saved me…the kid…today! 

Here’s the story:

Yesterday, a friend shared with me a poem written by her daughter.  It was a beautiful poem about the modern day hero that is mom.  Part of the poem spoke about mom always being there when she was needed the most.  As I heard it, I became aware of a deep, hidden pain of my inner child.  At nine years old, after the unexpected death of my sister, I received no emotional support in dealing with my grief. My mother, unable to deal with the emotions of losing a child herself, ‘left’ us for a while and was admitted into an emotional recovery ward at a hospital. My father, also lost in his own grief and responsibilities of work, provided no discussion or support. I was actually told by my grandmother never to talk about it in front of my parents so as to not give them any additional pain. And I didn’t. At a time when I needed them the most, my parents were not there. I was all alone to grieve and figure it out myself. I was alone with the responsibility of making sure I did not hurt them any more than they were already hurting.  I was alone,  convinced that my own needs and feelings did not matter.

Now this is not about throwing around woes and blame. 

As an adult, I have worked through this and have gained an understanding of what my parents may have experienced and have forgiven them for ‘deserting’ me. Having children of my own, I can only begin to imagine the depth of pain they encountered upon losing a child and do not know how much I would ‘lose it’ myself if I lost one of my children.

What I hadn’t seen before today is how this experience had set up a pattern of belief at my core that I am alone and worthless. I am alone in my feelings. I do not really matter and I might as well be invisible…no one really cares about me…I am not important, but everyone else’s feelings are.  I see how I have replayed this belief over and over again in my life like a scratched record…All the times I have said or thought, “No one really cares…It doesn’t matter if I’m here or not…What I do is just not important to anyone.”  I can see how much of my adult ‘whining bitch’ (a term lovingly coined by a friend) and ‘woe is me’ energy was really my child screaming to be noticed and acknowledged. She wanted a pity party. She wanted everyone to know how bad things were for her and she wanted recognition and most of all love.

My little girl had never healed. The situation had taken away her sense of mattering to the world because if she really mattered, her needs would have been addressed, she would have been giving loving comfort and understanding. She has grieved the loss of her sister, but has never grieved the loss of her own self worth. All this time, she has merely wanted her own deep pain to be recognized and to matter. She has wanted someone…anyone…to acknowledge her. To tell her that her feelings matter. That she herself…matters. She needed mom to tell her that although we were all in pain, she was glad that I was still alive, that it mattered to the world…that it mattered to her that I was still around.

My mother has passed away and I will not get that need met through her…or from anyone outside of myself. I see now that it is myself, myself as a mother, who must heal this.

So as I type this…me, the 43 year old mother of 3…I am holding little 9 year old Vicki close to my own heart and saying lovingly and gently to her, “I see you! I see your pain! I know I told you to look after your little sister, but you are not responsible for this. You are not responsible for her death. We are all hurting so deeply over this, but my grief does not in any way take away from the love and appreciation that I feel for you. I am so glad that you are still in my life. The sadness and pain seems overwhelming some days, but your smile still warms my heart and I can never tell you how much your presence on earth means to me. You are so special to me! I love you so very, very much! I am so blessed to still have you in my life, beautiful Vicki. We can get through the pain together…our pain will pass, but the love that I feel for you will not!!! Thank you for being a part of my life and blessing me with your own unique, beautiful light and bright spirit. MOM

…And HERO MOM saved the day today for a little 9 year old inside of herself!  Little Vicki is feeling much better and for the first time in many years does not feel quite so alone…

Thank you for taking the time to read this transformative story.  Please leave any comments or share your own ‘hero mom’ story.  I would love to hear about all the hero mom’s!  Together we mom’s can save the day, and maybe even the world!!!

 

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Why do I play the woe is me game?

Why do I feel like I just have to suffer through what life throws at me?

I have not posted in a while.  I have all kinds of excuses flying through  my head.  I have had two brother-in-laws commit suicide…I have been too busy…my blog name is not good enough, I do not have enough subscribers so it really doesn’t matter…that other person writes better than me…someone else has already said that so I have lost my chance…I need money and the blog is not providing that… I want to do video blogs and do not have a good enough background…good enough equipment…and on and on and on.

While there may be some truths mixed in with all these excuses, I also recognize the voice of the suffering victim.  The voice that says, “Woe is me…I cannot do “x” because of “y” so just give it up.”  So I ask myself, Where is that coming from and why do I continue to be controlled by it?

My little girl answers:

I was not an empowered child.  I was raised to do what I was told.  I was raised to follow directions. I was raised to follow rules.  I was raised to be proper, kind, and good.

I learned that I was not to be trusted.  I learned to forego doing things myself and deferred all my decisions to someone with more knowledge or authority.  I was told, “Do not worry about that, I will take care of it for you”.  I felt safe and comfortable in the arms of my parent and my God.  I did not worry about money, bills, finances, sexual relationships, or lack thereof.

As a devout Catholic, I believed that suffering was akin to Godliness…martyrdom was saintly and the person who sacrificed the most on earth was the most spiritual and would be the first in line for the afterlife.  I learned to hold onto pain, suffering, grief, and lack as this made me a better person.  I learned how to be a victim to circumstance and to deal with whatever life threw at me in the best way possible.

But why does this inner child run my adult life?

I am no longer a Catholic.  I no longer believe in the eternal bliss or damnation of souls.  I believe that we are all creators in our lives and that there are consequences to our actions and decisions.  I believe that we all have the power to create either heaven or hell here on earth by our decisions, actions, and beliefs. I believe that there is enough to go around and that we can all have what we need and desire.  I believe that I do have the power of creation within me.

So…I have become empowered.  I have become my own boss and creator and there is no longer someone else in charge of me telling me what to do.

But here’s the stickler…my little girl is still inside.  Now, with no one telling her what to do, she is indecisive and lost, not knowing which way to turn.  She has lost her security blanket and is frozen with the fear of making a mistake or doing something wrong.  She is that voice…what do I do?…please someone, tell me what to do…I can’t do this on my own…I’m all alone…OH, WOE IS ME!!!

I have solved the case of the inner woes.  The truth is that I am still the inner child and the inner child is still me.  I do not know what it really feels like to live a life without lack as I have always ‘struggled for money’ and felt like there is never enough.  I do not know what it feels like to live a life feeling fully supported.  I have often felt very alone and in competition with others.  I do not know how it feels to fully trust myself and my decisions. I do not know what it feels like to live a life without feeling victim to external situations.  But I have to wonder, what if I did?

What if my life fully supported me and I felt that support each and every day?  What if money worries were no longer part of my reality…my identity?  What would my life be like if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I already had everything I every really needed and it was all inside of me?  What if???

I think maybe I’ll find out.

I would love to hear your responses and how you have overcome your own ‘case of the woes.’  Maybe together we can all answer the question…What if…

 

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