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Archive for April, 2014

I’ve been stuck in the doldrums of “I can’t seem to…(insert thing)”

Today, a thought came to me, “What if a knight got stuck in this place?”  and the following was born…

 

The Knight of Cantalot  (©Vicki Neal 2014)

While sitting at this table

Which, by the way, is square

I hear about a dragon

Living close by in his lair

 

Well, I should go and slay him

Because I’m a knight you see

But, I cannot slay this dragon

‘Cause he’s way too big for me

 

I’d love to help the kingdom

It’d be cool to be a hero

But I’m just not brave, so sorry

I’m just way to full of fear, Oh

 

My armor’s dull.  It has no shine

There’s even bits of rust

But I just can’t seem to find the time

To clean off all the dust

 

A damsel in distress you say?

You mean more distress than me?

With the pains in all my muscles

And the sliver from that tree?

 

And now a troll’s attacking

He’s destroying people’s lands

But, I guess I’ll leave him to it

As I’m armed with rubber bands

 

You want to find a real knight

To fight and kill that giant

Go travel out to Canalot

They’ll help you there, but I can’t

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So the inspirational high lasted about a week.  Yesterday, the ‘give-ups’ started hanging around and today they are invading in full force.

Am I schizophrenic?

There are days when I wonder.  I feel like there are two distinct people in my head:  The loving, motivational positive one and the other one (duh, duh, duh).

Do you ever feel sabotaged by yourself?

Here’s how it goes for me:

Loving, motivational me (LMM):  Wow!  I’d really love to do a triathlon.

Negative, saboteur me (NSM):  What are you crazy…You can’t do that.  You’re:

  • Too old
  • Not in good enough shape. There’s not enough time to train.
  • Not a swimmer/runner
  • Not going to be able to finish it.  You’re probably going to drown.
  • Lazy. Not motivated enough
  • Not up to it.  That’s way too hard.
  • Going to make a fool of yourself in front of all the real triathletes

Just quit now.  That will save you lots of time and energy.

 

LMM:  What if I write a poetry book for kids! My poems are really fun.  People would enjoy them just like I enjoyed (and still do) Shel Silverstein!

 

NSM:  That’s a good idea, BUT:

  • You don’t know a publisher…who would even publish them?
  • You’re too old
  • You’ve never studied or gotten an education in writing…not good enough.
  • Nobody really cares about your silly poems anyway, nobody has time for fun anymore
  • You’re wasting your time.  Go out, get a job, and be productive!

 

LMM:  Other people make their dreams happen.  If they can do it, so can I!

NSM:  They’re not you.  You can’t.  You’re:

  • Not good enough/Not talented enough
  • Too old
  • FOOLING YOURSELF!

Come on.  You’re really wasting your time with all these ideas.  You’re insignificant.  Nobody cares.  It doesn’t matter.  Anyway, you don’t really want to work that hard do you? Just go watch a movie and forget about it!

 

LMM:  But I know I can!!!

NSM:  You’re kidding yourself

LMM:  I think I can?

NSM:  Still kidding yourself

LMM:  Really???

NSM: Yup…give it up already.

 

So who do I listen to?  Well, that’s easy…LMM, Right?

 

Yeah, that would be the logical, uplifting choice. However, NSM makes such logical arguments and she’s unrelenting. The girl just seems to never give up.  And, after all, she’s the voice of reality, right? – not the ‘let’s make life happily ever after’ or ‘wish upon a star and make all your dreams come true’ voice. Why don’t all the self-help gurus talk about her?  Am I the only messed up one with these derogatory voices in my head all the time?  How does one ever get past it?

 

I DON’T KNOW!

 

Today, I don’t have inspirational answers.  Today, I really want to give up.  No, I don’t really want to give up, I just feel that I’m really not going to be able to do any of it and I just need to give up ‘cause I’m not good enough.

 

I can still feel LMM back there giving me a pep talk telling me not to give up, but she’s really far away today sitting under the thick blanket of NSM “Give it ups”.

 

The invasion is in full force and I really would like LMM to win.  Wish me luck – In fact…Wish us all luck!

 

 

 

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