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Posts Tagged ‘suicide’

This post seems to be somewhat counter to my desire to lift people up and spread joy.  I feel like I should write only about the ‘good’ stuff…Happiness and joy and light and empowerment and all that.  After all, there is so much ‘bad’ already in the world that I really don’t want more.  I would rather remain joyfully separate from the ‘bad’, but the reality is that all the ‘badness’ is really inside me too.  The human experience really is, using my dad’s word, bittersweet.

So I want to give voice to a part of human experience that no one wants to talk about – suicide.  I recently experienced the suicide of two brothers-in-law within a short time.  They were on opposite sides of the family and were in no way related.  Suicide…out of nowhere…twice.  My view of reality was challenged.  I had a hard time understanding how they could not see beyond their pain.  Even in my darkest times, I have always been able to see beyond the current moment.

But this week, I came face to face with my own suicide shadows.  I came face to face with all the ‘shoulds’ I am not doing, all the ways in which my voice has been harmful instead of beneficial, and all the ‘bad’ thoughts I had been carrying.  But, mostly, I came face to face with the consuming feelings of utter and total worthlessness and fatigue.  I felt a darkness so dark and consuming I could not see the other side and I understood completely why someone would choose to leave this life.

I am leery about speaking this because there is a huge suicide stigma in our society.  If I speak of suicidal feelings then I myself will be labeled ‘at risk’.  This is truly such a dark and painful subject that it remains unspoken except in the shadows and in therapist’s offices.  I am not going to kill myself, but I would like to speak the feelings for many who couldn’t.  And maybe, just maybe, by speaking to the monsters in the dark, they will be allowed to come out for some illumination.  Can we learn to embrace the horrific and painful?

Suicide

My mind is tired

My body is tired

My spirit is tired

My soul wants to be free

from this eternal struggle

from this unending fight

The smile you see on my face

The laughter you hear in my voice

No longer reaches my spirit

The load of life is too much to carry

The backpack too heavy

Life has beaten me down

too tired to fight back

My fight is gone.

Feelings of being

worthless

valueless

purposeless

insignificant

alone

Haunt my days and nights

There is no escape

There is no reason to stay

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