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Posts Tagged ‘voice’

This post seems to be somewhat counter to my desire to lift people up and spread joy.  I feel like I should write only about the ‘good’ stuff…Happiness and joy and light and empowerment and all that.  After all, there is so much ‘bad’ already in the world that I really don’t want more.  I would rather remain joyfully separate from the ‘bad’, but the reality is that all the ‘badness’ is really inside me too.  The human experience really is, using my dad’s word, bittersweet.

So I want to give voice to a part of human experience that no one wants to talk about – suicide.  I recently experienced the suicide of two brothers-in-law within a short time.  They were on opposite sides of the family and were in no way related.  Suicide…out of nowhere…twice.  My view of reality was challenged.  I had a hard time understanding how they could not see beyond their pain.  Even in my darkest times, I have always been able to see beyond the current moment.

But this week, I came face to face with my own suicide shadows.  I came face to face with all the ‘shoulds’ I am not doing, all the ways in which my voice has been harmful instead of beneficial, and all the ‘bad’ thoughts I had been carrying.  But, mostly, I came face to face with the consuming feelings of utter and total worthlessness and fatigue.  I felt a darkness so dark and consuming I could not see the other side and I understood completely why someone would choose to leave this life.

I am leery about speaking this because there is a huge suicide stigma in our society.  If I speak of suicidal feelings then I myself will be labeled ‘at risk’.  This is truly such a dark and painful subject that it remains unspoken except in the shadows and in therapist’s offices.  I am not going to kill myself, but I would like to speak the feelings for many who couldn’t.  And maybe, just maybe, by speaking to the monsters in the dark, they will be allowed to come out for some illumination.  Can we learn to embrace the horrific and painful?

Suicide

My mind is tired

My body is tired

My spirit is tired

My soul wants to be free

from this eternal struggle

from this unending fight

The smile you see on my face

The laughter you hear in my voice

No longer reaches my spirit

The load of life is too much to carry

The backpack too heavy

Life has beaten me down

too tired to fight back

My fight is gone.

Feelings of being

worthless

valueless

purposeless

insignificant

alone

Haunt my days and nights

There is no escape

There is no reason to stay

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I have a whole new appreciation for those people throughout history who have spoken up for themselves and held their voice out to the world when they knew that they had the minority voice…Martin Luther King, Jr…Rosa Parks…

Inside, I know my point of view is valid and I feel so confident with my perspectives and know the world could be a better place with these thoughts out in the open.  I know also my voice is not the voice of the accepted norm in our society and it brings up all kinds of self-censorship.  Ironically, I just petitioned against SOPA because I do not believe in censorship.  I say with confidence, “no one has the right to censor me!!!”  I believe every voice matters.

So why do I censor myself?  

I was recently asked by a family member who was experiencing pain, “what do you think?”  OK, so I have a pre-med degree, experience with physical therapy, massage therapy, CranioSacral Therapy, Orthobionomy, Reiki, knowledge of the acupressure/acupuncture system, and over a decade of hands-on bodywork.  I have learned about the body from a mainstream scientific viewpoint as well as from an energetic perspective.  You could say I know a little about the body.  So I’m asked, “what do you think?” and all kinds of thoughts and perspectives start flooding in about where pain comes from, how it can be released, and even how pain is not bad and can be used as a tool to create wellness.

 So what do I respond?

“Could be lots of things” I say, adding a negating shrug for good measure.  I’ve apparently convinced myself that my perspective was not really wanted, so I went ahead and shut myself down before anyone else could.

What’s that all about?

I know that my voice and perspective is just as valid as anyone else’s voice AND I know I have a lot of experience on this subject matter.  So why can’t I speak up for myself?

And I did it again! I was at a party last night and met some new people who enthusiastically asked “what are you writing!?”

“Oh, uh, uh, well, uh, my unique thoughts on things…”

Way to go Vic!  Way to sell yourself!!  UGH!

Where’s the voice of confidence that I have with my husband and close friends?  I get outside of my little community of support and I totally choke, my confidence disappears and I feel like a bumbling idiot.

So after weeks of feeling ready to go into the world with my perspective and voice…to confidently take on the challenges and dissents of others…I see today that I will have to have a heart to heart with my own inner censor.

The majority used to think the world was flat.  The majority used to think the sun circled the Earth.  The majority used to think leeches were the cure-all.  So what if I’m not in the majority!  I will take a stand for myself and find the courage to speak my truths!  Whether or not they be majority or minority opinions, they are mine and I will stick behind them!  I’m tired of being controlled by my inner censor!  They say that you must be the change that you want to see in the world.  I will take notes from the Martin Luther King, Jr’s and the Rosa Park’s of the world and boldly stand my ground against my inner censor and soon, very soon, the world will hear my voice!

Here’s the kicker, Martin Luther King, Jr was assassinated.  Rosa Parks was arrested.  I don’t want any of that to happen to me.  Yep, I’m afraid of ‘going public’ with a minority voice.  Logically, I don’t really think I will be killed or arrested or harmed, but I’m still afraid.

So I want to put a big thanks out to a friend who recently shared a thought with me.  It was: “Imagine what you could do if you weren’t afraid“.  WOW!I think I’ll do that! I’ll keep moving forward, I’ll keep imagining, and I’ll see what comes next.

After all, If I don’t believe in myself with confidence, who else will?

Martin Luther King, Jr picture from america’slibrary.gov

Rosa Parks T-shirt image from T-shirt Guru at ChoiceShirts.com

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